If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
smartest karate player in the world
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”