Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Erm…
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?