WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?