If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
you know what ruined my childhood? children