Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
i can’t wait that long
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.