I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
You Might Also Like
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.