[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn