(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out