“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.