*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
He wanted to make sure😂
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
The Weeknd is back
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.