Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
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this chia pet tastes awful
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
😂😂😂
Natty or not?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped