“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.