[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired