[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me, reading some of your tweets
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.