“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
My neck my back my allergy attack
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Rooting for the overdog
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!