every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
You Might Also Like
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….