My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’