I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
How do you like your Corgi?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5