My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
#NeverForget
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
it must be school picture day