We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose