Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.