[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
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Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
water it, i dare you
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
No laws when master is gone
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.