people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
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GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette