[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
True statement👍😏😁
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Sell your car
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…