You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Banking tips
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.