I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
ATMs should have breathalyzers
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.