Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
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I bet birds love this building.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.