I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
This hospital has everything
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.