We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
August 8
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.