I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
…żyje?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.