I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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This is sending me to another galaxy
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over