Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.