The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
This hospital has everything
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier