I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I’m being attacked 😭
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!