The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.