Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Why soy sad?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance