I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
You Might Also Like
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Life is a suicide mission.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.