student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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Me buying fruit and veg
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
#Caturday
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
He wanted to make sure😂
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.