DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
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PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he鈥檚 still using it?
PROFESSOR: That鈥檚 not-
ME: I don鈥檛 want to fight him if he won鈥檛 give it back.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I鈥檓 angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It鈥檚 you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you鈥檙e 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that鈥檚 going to happen.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 馃拃馃槀馃槀
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that鈥檚 pretty lo, mein
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It鈥檚 going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.