Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is