husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
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Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
HELP 😭
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on