A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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It be like that sometimes 😆
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
welp
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances