It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.