I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
You Might Also Like
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?