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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em