Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
This makes total sense…
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family