when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
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[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.