The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
#Thanos #MondayMood
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.