“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
True statement👍😏😁
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!