dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace